Fucking Hate Life

I love how i can do so much for some one yet they can still sit there and treat me like a piece of shit i mean really. I have watched my nieces since i was 9 and my sister thinks its ok to just up and leave and not ask me to watch them but just to expect me to watch them that to me is fucking rude and makes me feel like im more of a babysitter than a sister its bullshit ugh... I had so much respect for my sister now i cant even look at her anymore without getting pissed. It upsets me that she treats me this way and im just suppose to be ok with that and to me that is not right at all. If your going to treat me like shit i don't need you in my life...

On that note chris got a flat tire going to work so on top of that and the hole sister thing my day is just getting worse and worse i just don't know what to do anymore i need to leave my sisters and fast and cant do it anymore im tired of it. Doing everything in the house taking care of the kids feeding them picking up after them and there not mine and the oldest thinks she can walk all over me and my sister sure as hell doesn't give a shit because all she cares about it her boyfriend and whats the next time shes going to have sex ugh pisses me the fuck off.

I know everyone goes through some bad things but I just can't stand being in this situation anymore its tiring and aggravating and it puts a strain on my and Chris's relationship and i love him so much i dont want us to have to go through that again we have already been through that when we lived with my brother i am searching like crazy for an apartment and it is going no where and no we have to get him a damn tire for his mothers care god im really hating my self right now. So now that i have relieved some stress im going to go and talk to you all tomorrow...

I hate Life

Life just seems to be all over the place so many people have told me God would not have thrown things at you if he knew you couldn't handle them and that everything happens for a reason. You know im glad i have an amazing boyfriend that loves me and doesn't want to change me and hes been working so hard while im trying to find a job its not that easy it seems like no wants to hire me. Me and Chris are just so stressed with trying to find a good apartment thats close to his job and one we can afford we need to get out of my sisters its a never ending blaming game and im tired of it. Her acting like shes better than everyone and she can do no wrong but shes going to say shit about me and my life she needs to look at hers before she judges mine...

I love my sister and i have looked up to her for the longest time as a role model now i look at her and say what the fuck happened to her she isn't the girl i used to know no she has changed and not for the better.But any who im trying look at a better outlook on life trying to be more cheerful and thank god for life and for what i have. Trying to start my life with chris and hopefully one day start a family but not rushing it i like it with just me and him but when were ready we will take that step...  well im going to go for now who knows maybe ill write in this later tonight.......

Things are going down

Wow it has been forever since i have updated on here lol sorry well now things have changed and ill let you all know whats going on. Chris is here and he has a job now so that is looking up but he wants to find a better paying job to make more money cause well we need it. we wrote a list already of people we need to buy for for christmas and that is a big list lol. i glad that chris has a job but when hes home its like he exspects me to be his friggen maid seriously not friggen happening his mommy may have done it but i am not. he has not cooked or did the dishes since hes been here . yesterday i wasnt feeling si good and he knew that yet i spent 6 hours doing his fucking laundry when he got home from work he didnt even ask if i needed help or even say thank you for me doing it for him he went in the living room and watched tv seriouly i was so pissed but my jaw hurt i didnt even bother to talk to him. i told him i felt like giving up its like he doesnt care what i have to say everything has to be about him and only him and i will not be in a relationship like that im sorry not happening.

I feel so lost i dont know what to do i love him alot its just he seems to be proving to me that he doesnt want to be here but he swears up and down he wants to be here but he doesnt do anything or prove he wants to be here with me hes making it seem like he came here cause i wanted him to not because he wanted to and i asked him about that then he started talking about a new life and an adventure yet i wasnt included in that. and hes talking about kids and marrige yet he cant pick up after him self im sorry its like im a babysitter of 2 instead one 1 ugh i refuse to be his maid im sorry i wont do it......does anyone know what i should do because i dont know what to do....

I dont know what to do

Its been awhile since i last updated and alot has gone on and right now i am so confused and dont know what to do i cant handle this anymore i feel like im losing everything and i cant control it. Im trying my hardest to make the best of things and itsnot working i have been so stressed this past month i cant stand it anymore. Chris is still trying to find a job and august is coming soon and if he doesnt have one his dad is coming to get him and he wants me to go with him i don't know what to do. Dennis and Becca seem to think that hes really not putting in applications that hes only saying he is and hes really not that his STAY here was only to see if he really wanted to be here and now its close to august and hes asking me if i want to go with him if he has to leave. I don't know what to think. Should i believe my brother and his gf or just ignore it and believe my bf whos been looking everywhere.

Now that i think about it i don't know if hes put in applications yes he has been walking everywhere and has said he has put them in but i have no proof he has. Has he been doing this so i would go back with him or what i don't know what to think anymore i am so confused and stressed. I feel like if i don't go i will loose him and if i do go what happens if we break up i have no job no money and no license no car i would be screwed and who would actually come and get me no one who actually cares about me. IM scared, im scared of losing him, of doubting him of going and being stranded. I just don't know what to do or what to think. my family may not be perfect but whos isnt you know. But i love them and i have always been really close to my family i dont know if i really could move away from them it seems like people are making me choose my family or him and that's not right i love them all and its breaking me up inside that soon im going to have to make that decision and i don't know if i can.

So what should i do stay here and lose him or go and be afraid that nothing will ever be the same and i could lose everything....

WTF

Why do i feel like my life is one big mess once again and i cant do anything about it. No matter what i say or do i cant control it. thought things would change when Chris got here but it just seemed things got worse. Yes, i love him alot and i wouldnt change it for the world but he does stupid shit to upset me and get me pissed of and not only me but becca and dennis. Chris moved here so he can be with me and live with me but recently my sister found a comment on his facebook saying he is just satying here and hes home sick. I dont know what to say it makes me feel like a peice of shit and he doesnt want to be with me.

but you know what if this is how its going to be i dont want any part of this relationship im not going to feel like a piece of shit and like i cant do anything with my life i have been down that road and i will not do that again. And even if i talk to him about this stuff he still does the same shit over and over again its like im picking up and babysitting another kid. And yet he wants to someday marry me yet he doesnt want kids and i do and you know what no matter how many times i say it he thinks he can make me no want to have kids not happening i will not be with someone if they think they can control what i do no way in hell is that happening so he better get his shit straight and figure out what he wants to do or he can leave i will not deal with it...

A new Life

Sorry i have not posted in a long time so much has happened its insane i needed time to catch up with things and get things straightened now i am here to tell you all about my changes i made in my life. Recently i told you guys that i was moving to Ohio to be with my bf who i have known for years now well he decided he needed a change and he moved here to New York. Yes, i know hes away from his family and friends he says he doesn't mind it but in away i guess I'm just scared hes going to realize he made a mistake and hes going to regret the fact that he moved here. I love him to death and he makes me feel like i never have before.

Things have been hectic he has met most of the family and he says he loves it here and he loves being with me but sometimes when i look at him he looks sad and like he doesn't want to be here. Hes looking for a job and it seems like nothing is getting easier cause my brother and Becca gave Chris till august to find a job or they will kick him out. Yes, i understand that was the requirements of him being here and i understand that but it upsets me a little cause i am now finally with him and this is brought up. Another thing that worries me is Chris leaves hours on end and when i ask what hes doing or where he went his stories just never add up maybe I'm just afraid that he found someone else or he just doesn't want to tell me or I'm looking at this all wrong.

I am trying to get my life on track i want to be happy and maybe someday get married although if it was to chris he doesnt want kids and i do i always have and i always will and i feel that one day thats going to be the reason why we split up or just not be in the realtionship anymore iknow its wrong to say that and even think about it but i know what i want and chris is just another man who doesnt give a shit. hes already acting like my brother leaving shit around and always on the computer and playing stupid video games its aggravating i know all relationships aren't perfect but come on. i know all im doing is complaining i just got my bf here and it doesnt seem like i hoped it was going to be yes i am happy with him and I'm glad hes here but some things he does just makes me question if i was right to have him come here or to be with him. Hes not a bad guy don't get me wrong its just some of the things he does or says just throws me off you know.

well i think thats about enough complaining i can do i will hopefully update you all soon on how things are going...Love you Guys....

Thing needing to be let out

IM sick of holding things in and saying everything is ok when its not i cant do it anymore i cant hold this smile on my face when my world is turning upside down in this one big tornado and i cant control it. Everyone has secrets its the way of life some people do it cause they have to others do it so they dont get in trouble or hurt the ones they love. Well im tired of holding mine in i cant do it anymore. some of you might not be ready for this other probably dont even give a shit but you know what i dont give a fuck.

people see me as either annoying a dork stupid or cheerful and full of life well im not i have been trying to act like someone im not and i just cant do it anymore. When i was 16 i started to burn myself and cut myself i told my family it was stress from school and tests and just bullshit at school. But no when i was 16 i couldnt be normal most people lose there virginity to someone they care about or at least someone they want to or knew nope not me I WAS RAPED i held it in for so fucking long i cant anymore you may see this is a joke and not even care but i dont care anymore. Some of you know im bi and others well now you know i decided when i was 16 i couldnt deal with men not after that explaines alot right me not wanting a bf my family never seeing me with a bf i couldnt do it i was so scared and ashamed of myself i felt it was to much. Thats why i hated my dad so fucking much cause of what he did then what happend to me. I felt if i got to know my father everything would just be one big lie and everything people do was ok and its not.

Thats why i started to write poems draw and listen to music non stop thats why i always stayed in my bedroom and never wanted to leave it not because of everything at the house was going on because i was afraid to. See not everyone is perfect or are who they say they are. Its bad enough when i finally invite a bf over to my house for the weekend and he trys to rape me in my own house with my brother and mom there seriously what the fuck is wrong with me am i dumb or plain old stupid. I was 17 or 18 then i thought i was done with my world being turned upside down nope things never happen the way you would like it to.

Now i am just tired of it all holding everything in acting like im ok when im just one big lie. Everyone deserves to know who i am and judge me for who i am not what im trying to be. I have watched kids my whole life and sometimes i feel so stressed and tired but you know what it was my sanctuary away from all these problems i have. I want to thank jackie for having kids so i could hide myself away from my problems and not worry about a thing but them and and i want to thank jen for always being here even if my questions may seem stupid and ridiculous you never thought anything different of me. I want to thank chris most of all for being here for me seeing past all me defaults and loving me for me and not who i was trying to hide and not come face to face with.

Now people say they know who you are trust me they know nothing about you...