Thing needing to be let out

IM sick of holding things in and saying everything is ok when its not i cant do it anymore i cant hold this smile on my face when my world is turning upside down in this one big tornado and i cant control it. Everyone has secrets its the way of life some people do it cause they have to others do it so they dont get in trouble or hurt the ones they love. Well im tired of holding mine in i cant do it anymore. some of you might not be ready for this other probably dont even give a shit but you know what i dont give a fuck.

people see me as either annoying a dork stupid or cheerful and full of life well im not i have been trying to act like someone im not and i just cant do it anymore. When i was 16 i started to burn myself and cut myself i told my family it was stress from school and tests and just bullshit at school. But no when i was 16 i couldnt be normal most people lose there virginity to someone they care about or at least someone they want to or knew nope not me I WAS RAPED i held it in for so fucking long i cant anymore you may see this is a joke and not even care but i dont care anymore. Some of you know im bi and others well now you know i decided when i was 16 i couldnt deal with men not after that explaines alot right me not wanting a bf my family never seeing me with a bf i couldnt do it i was so scared and ashamed of myself i felt it was to much. Thats why i hated my dad so fucking much cause of what he did then what happend to me. I felt if i got to know my father everything would just be one big lie and everything people do was ok and its not.

Thats why i started to write poems draw and listen to music non stop thats why i always stayed in my bedroom and never wanted to leave it not because of everything at the house was going on because i was afraid to. See not everyone is perfect or are who they say they are. Its bad enough when i finally invite a bf over to my house for the weekend and he trys to rape me in my own house with my brother and mom there seriously what the fuck is wrong with me am i dumb or plain old stupid. I was 17 or 18 then i thought i was done with my world being turned upside down nope things never happen the way you would like it to.

Now i am just tired of it all holding everything in acting like im ok when im just one big lie. Everyone deserves to know who i am and judge me for who i am not what im trying to be. I have watched kids my whole life and sometimes i feel so stressed and tired but you know what it was my sanctuary away from all these problems i have. I want to thank jackie for having kids so i could hide myself away from my problems and not worry about a thing but them and and i want to thank jen for always being here even if my questions may seem stupid and ridiculous you never thought anything different of me. I want to thank chris most of all for being here for me seeing past all me defaults and loving me for me and not who i was trying to hide and not come face to face with.

Now people say they know who you are trust me they know nothing about you...